Tonight I wanna Cry
by closet-hopeless-romantic
Summary: Mac goes to visit Harm after Paraguay.


**More post-Paraguay. I really hate they way they took the series after that. Here's another attempt to rectify it.**

**Beautiful songs are by Keith Urban and Bread.**

* * *

Harm looked tired. No, scratch that, he looked, and felt, exhausted; and he was out of a job again. He was done with the Agency; that much had been made clear to him. And if he was honest with himself he was relieved. That much secrecy wasn't for him. He missed his friends, and his old life. And Mac, he missed her most of all. And that was what hurt most of all. He was still mad at her, but he couldn't get used to not having her in his life. As he walked in the door, he noticed that his answering machine was blinking. He sighed. Mac again he presumed. So far every time he had had two minutes to spend in D.C., he had come home to find at least one answering machine message from Mac. He just couldn't bring himself to return them. More than once he had started to dial the number, hanging up before he dialled the final number. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know if there was anything to say to her. She had walked away. Again. And once again she had gone straight into the arms of another man. He knew he wasn't innocent in the walking away stakes, but he'd never left for another woman. 

He collapsed on his sofa and reached down the side for his guitar. The messages from Mac had unsettled him. So he did what he always did when he was stressed: he started to strum gently on the guitar strings, his fingers playing a lazy tune which reflected his melancholy mood. Soon after, he started to sing softly along, the lyrics of the country song saying everything that he was thinking.

* * *

Unbeknownst to him, Mac had seen him arrive home. Webb had mentioned to her that he would be coming home today, she couldn't quite figure out why. True, they had been on a few dates before accepting that there wasn't anything between them. But when he had rung her office earlier that day and told her about Harm, she had been surprised to say the least. It struck her that maybe he actually understood her and was just being a good friend. They really did need to talk, but she had no idea how to make Harm listen. She genuinely couldn't stand her life without him in it, a fact that part of her couldn't stand. She had always wanted to be so independent; determined that she didn't need a man to complete her life; that she could stand on her own two feet. But although she had achieved this in her professional life, she realised that fear of being alone was what had pushed her to push Harm into opening up, even when she knew he wasn't ready, what had pushed her into the arms of another man, and what had pushed her to push Harm away again. Granted, that last bit didn't really make sense, but it did to her. If things didn't work out between them when they finally made that step, she knew that she would lose his friendship for sure. So, she had seen her opportunity to run, and grabbed it with both hands, losing him anyway. 

Squaring her shoulders, and dragging up every last scrap of her Marine courage, she walked up the stairs and stopped at Harm's door, her hand poised to knock when she heard Harm's voice floating through the door.

**Alone in this house again tonight**

**I've got the TV on**

**The sound turned down and a bottle of wine**

**There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me**

**The way that it was and could've been surrounds me**

**I'll never get over you walkin' away.**

**'Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show**

**And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control**

**But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain**

**To hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes**

**Tonight I wanna cry.**

Mac felt tears pricking her eyes at the same time as bile rising up in her throat. In all of their years of friendship she had never heard him sound so despondent. Knowing that it was her fault hurt a lot. She pressed her ear to the door, straining to hear the next words.

**Would it help if I turned a sad song on?**

**"All By Myself"**

**Would sure hit me hard now that you're gone**

**Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters**

**It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better**

**I'll never get over you by hiding this way.**

**'Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show**

**And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control**

**But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain**

**To hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes**

**Tonight I wanna cry.**

_God Harm what have I done to you? _she wondered, not bothering to check the tears that were now streaming down her face. He wasn't good at talking about his feelings, she knew that. And one of the few times that he had tried to willingly start the conversation, they had been cut off, first by Webb and Gunny's arrival, and then by Mac herself, who had effectively slammed the door in his face.

There was a sudden pause in the music and she stiffened, had he somehow realized that she was there?

He hadn't of course, he had just paused to take a swig from his beer bottle. Glancing over at the telephone wistfully, Harm sighed softly before carrying on, his hands gliding over the instrument instinctively.

**'Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show**

**And I thought that being strong meant never losin' your self-control**

**But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain**

**To hell with this pride let it fall like rain from my eyes**

**Tonight I wanna cry...**

**To let go of my pain, to hell with my pride**

**Let it fall like rain from my eyes**

**Tonight I wanna cry...**

_How did life get this complicated_? he wondered_, How did we let it get this far? _Harm sighed again, he honestly had no idea if it was even possible for them to get back to the way they had been. After all, how many new starts could a friendship endure before it was accepted to throw it on the backburner and give it up as lost. His heart literally ached at the thought of that. He started to play again.

**You sheltered me from harm.**

**Kept me warm, kept me warm**

**You gave my life to me**

**Set me free, Set me free**

**The finest years I ever knew**

**were all the years I had with you**

**I would give anything I own,**

**Give up my life, my heart, my home.**

**I would give everything I own,**

**just to have you back again.**

Mac couldn't stop the tears from falling now. They just kept coming, but still she couldn't bring herself to knock on the door and alert him to her presence. Despite the obvious pain she heard in his voice, she still wasn't entirely sure if he would open the door to her.

**You taught me how to love,**

**What its of, what its of.**

**You never said too much,**

**but still you showed the way,**

**and I knew from watching you.**

**Nobody else could ever know**

**the part of me that can't let go.**

At the lyrics she gave a little start. 'Letting go.' Now there was a phrase that she was sick to death of hearing. It had taken some soul-searching and a conversation or two with Clay for her to realise that it wasn't really about letting go for her and Harm, it was more a case holding on for dear life as they took the step. They both had their pasts and both pasts had left them both with permanent scars, both physical and emotional. They couldn't change that. But they could face it if they took the step together.

**And I would give anything I own,**

**Give up my life, my heart, my home.**

**I would give everything I own**

**Just to have you back again.**

As she reached up to brush the tears away from her eyes, her handbag fell to the ground with a small thud and she felt her heart stop as the music inside Harm's flat stopped too. She heard the sounds of movement and tried her best to move away, but she felt frozen, unable to do anything apart from stare, wide-eyed, at the door. There was a rustling of chains and locks, and then the door swung open to reveal Harm on the other side.

"Mac." He said, paling slightly at the sight of her.

* * *

They stared at each other for a few seconds, before Harm turned away and returned to his position on the sofa, leaving the door open. Mac hesitated briefly, before stepping over the threshold, standing in the doorway eyeing him nervously. 

"I left you a couple of messages." She began tentatively. She got a bitter chuckle in response. "I wanted to make sure you were ok." She hesitated again, "I missed you." She continued in a soft voice that she barely recognised as her own.

"I thought you'd said everything you needed to say back in Paraguay." The animosity in his voice was unmistakeable, but the hurt was even stronger.

"I was wrong." Again that bitter laugh.

"I suppose it's hard to be 'on top' when you've dismissed the other person from your life with one sentence." He still didn't look at her, focussing his attention on the beer bottle in his hand instead.

"That's not what I did." Mac said softly, taking a small step towards him.

"You could have fooled me." Harm retorted quickly. They both fell silent again. The anger and raw pain floating around like a barrier between them.

"I was wrong." She repeated. "But Harm, you didn't do anything to stop me."

"What was I supposed to do?" he asked, turning to face her suddenly, a look of incredulity on his features. "Stop you? Tell you you were wrong? Beg you not to leave me? Tell you that I would die if you walked out of my life?!" his voice caught on the last question and he saw tears start to roll out of her eyes.

"Why didn't you?" her voice was soft, scared. He rubbed his hands over his face,

"Would it have made a difference?" Mac took another step towards him, her heart pounding rapidly.

"Would you have done it if I say yes?"

"What, you're testing me?" the incredulity was evident in his voice and their memories both floated back to a similar conversation on the Guadalcanal all those years ago. There was a pause in the conversation as neither knew where to go from that point. Harm was torn. He was still so angry he didn't know what to do with himself. But at the same time, Mac was standing less than two feet away from him with tears streaming down her face, and it took all of his will power not to jump up and pull her into his arms. Mac, for her part, was trembling inside, relieved that he hadn't thrown her out yet, but at a loss as to how to get through to him.

"No woman wants to be a mind reader." She replied eventually, knowing that would provoke a response.

"I made what I wanted clear enough."

"Not to me." She hesitated, "did that ever occur to you?" She saw a flicker of anger in his eyes, and he pulled himself to his feet, walking over and standing in front of her, his 6'4" height imposing.

"You think I would do that for just anyone?" he looked disgusted, "Maybe you were right Mac, since you obviously don't know anything about me."

"Harm, I have seen you go above the call of duty on so many occasions that I have lost count of them. How was I supposed to know this one was any different?"

"You think I would give up my Navy career for just anyone?" Harm was truly mad now. "You honestly think I would give up one of the most important parts of my life for anyone but the one most important person in my life?" Mac looked down at the floor, her mind slowly turning over what he had just said. Calming down slightly, he continued, "Mac I was so scared of losing you when you went down there. Don't you understand that? What do I need to do to make you understand what you mean to me?"

There was a pause. The only sound that could be heard was Mac's sniffling. Then all of a sudden, she threw herself into his arms. Harm stood there limply for a second, before wrapping his arms around her tiny frame, relishing the closeness. After a minute or two of silence, she pulled back slightly, looking up at him. That was all she had ever wanted to hear from him: just the slightest hint that he felt the same way about her as she did about him. He still looked a little unsure and more than a little bit confused, but to her relief, he didn't look angry anymore. They stared at each other, both their heads inching slowly closer, their eyes fluttering shut as their lips finally met, in a gentle kiss.

* * *

As they pulled back, Harm murmured softly, "God I love you so much." And Mac felt her eyes fill with tears again. 

"I love you too." She said softly, smiling shyly at him, leaning forward for another kiss. They stood for a while, trading kisses before Mac's stomach gave a predictable growl and they both pulled away laughing quietly.

"Marine timing as ever." Harm said teasingly. "Do you want to go get some food? I've got nothing here."

"Sounds good." Mac replied, pulling reluctantly away from him and leaning down to pick up her handbag from where she had dropped it for the second time that night. Harm grabbed his jacket from where he had dropped it on the armchair and they turned to head out of the door. When they reached the threshold however, Harm stopped suddenly, tugging on Mac's hand so that she stopped and turned to face him.

"I've missed you so much Mac," he said nervously, "and I know we've got a long way to go before everything is back to normal. But I just wanted to say I really do love you, you know that right?"

"I do now." Mac replied shyly, "And Harm? I love you too." The relief on his face was evident, and he pulled her into his arms again, kissing her passionately, trying to convey every last emotion he was feeling in to that kiss. And when they pulled away, it seemed that he had.

* * *

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**xx**


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